he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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