Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
