You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
