I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
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