captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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