also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
