Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
