I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I cut my penus on the lid.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Randomize
