So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
god. i hate danny gokey.
Hes like the kid in school that reminds the teacher they forgot to assign homeowrk.
he's mormon right? lame.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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