Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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