I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
