Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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