just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
He is an equal opportunity slut.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
