my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
