I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
She's just so happy...and so naked.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
