from now on my penis is your penis
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
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