The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I have all the porn. Be there soon
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