He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Randomize
