i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
