walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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