What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
