so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
