just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
