In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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