Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
