My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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