I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I am available for nakedness
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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