I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
He passed out mid-signature
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
