I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
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