Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Randomize
