they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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