I think I just saw someone hide a body.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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