I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
