Dude my mom stole all your condoms
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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