: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
