dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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