oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
