dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Randomize
