i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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