gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
