i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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