He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Randomize
