I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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