Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Randomize
