I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
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