just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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