I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
My vagina just clenched in fear
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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