He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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