I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
