Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
