i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize