i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Someone came in the potted fern
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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