There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
