Cold hands, warm shart.
How long until YT realizes that it's a man?
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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