I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
he was CRYING into my vagina
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Randomize
