Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize