R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
