Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Randomize
