The maid of honor just puked.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
50% drunk capacity currently
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Randomize
