and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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